I was reminiscing prior to 2016 about the life lessons I've learned. The biggest one I've learned so far is how to stay in love while being treated in an unloving manner or by being hated.
- Love is not just a thought. It is a state. You can think you love yourself, but if the state is being mad, justified, bitter, etc towards someone or a situation, you aren't loving yourself. Self-love
- Practice personal accountability, no excuses
- Acceptance of your process (Trying to understand, blaming, distracting and whatever else you go through until you accept, forgive, love and move forward.)
- Self-forgiveness and forgiveness for those involved
Back in 2013 while I was volunteering at an ashram through their karma yoga program, I read a book, for which I do not remember the title of, but it spoke on loving yourself whilst being around unloving people. This message really spoke to me. The message of loving myself in spite of being with someone who was being unloving towards me at the time broke me down multiple days at the ashram. Many of the other people there were worried about me. It was profoundly healing for me at the time, because I realized that yes, I do have a deep, unshakable love for myself, yet when I was thinking and feeling dislike and hatred towards the person I was dealing with at the time, I was experiencing that hate. It was a form of self-hatred. It felt justified to carry a torch for how wrong I was being treated, but really the torch was burning me. Most of use don't see it that way. We play a trick on ourselves and think that as long as we are directing the energy at the person through our attention that it is at and in them, instead of us. We are the ones really experiencing the hate, though. You may have heard the say, 'drinking poison and expecting the other person to die or holding burning coals and expecting the other person to be burned. Even though I knew this mentally at the time of reading the book, I got it on a deeper level. I had said to myself a little hate here and there is justified to make sure I hold a vibration of justice so that the person gets what he or she deserves. As a result, I was poisoning myself and not fully loving myself. Loving yourself means hate has no place inside you. You can have anger without hate, just fyi.
I got this lesson and started to consciously intend to be in a state of love with myself all the time. I did this to the best of my ability. From 2013-2015 there were a series of ridiculous relationships with some...hmmm, how would one say it nicely 'off' people. This is common for healers. We attract those that are dysfunctional so that we can help them heal and balance their lives, often at the expense of ourselves. It was the same pattern of craziness over an over again with 7 different people. Now, I had asked Spirit to bring all of my soulmates into my life from the time I was 21. To me I was here on earth to re-encounter and interact with all of them. This is why I identify as poly. I am open to all the soulmates I have on earth. I didn't specify, I now realize, so I got karmic soulmates, ego soulmates, and some new souls who wanted to build karma with me. Needless to say, I struggled. The companion and primary soulmate experiences eluded me. Partly because my primary soulmate, David Wilson, is in Spirit. I chose to incarnate and he didn't. I ended up ending all of those relationships over those 2 years. I didn't banish them from my life; I just stopped dating or being in a relationship. I don't resent knowing these people. I believe each one is divinely placed in my life. I let relationships run their course. When it is over, it is over and I move on.
This month, I told someone that our interaction had run its course. This person responded with "I should have guessed I'd become like all the rest." This was just one of the many ridiculous statements she had made over the year I'd known her. It was as if to say that I eventually just kick people out of my life for no reason, like it is something that I just do and can be expected. Not true, anyone who knows me well knows I keep people in my life wayyyy past what is healthy. My motto I've told people from 8 years is I don't remove people from my life; they remove me. In the past I have given people too much leeway. The truth with this relationship though, was that I was in love with the shared family vision we had, but I had never developed any feelings for her. I've only ever been in love with 3 people in my life and she wasn't one of them. Not by any fault on her part, we just weren't connected in that way. I had written out a list of pros and cons and there were 12 cons and 3 pros. =D Needless to say, it wasn't going to be a long term relationship.
In the latter part of 2015 I had already seen through doing my 2016 year tarot reading that someone was going to be lying to me in November and December. I kept getting mask wearing. Someone was presenting themselves as friendly and good but really wasn't. There is only one person in my life that I think of as a liar, so I knew it was him. I didn't want to go through all of it again with him. I purposely distance myself once October approached. Of no doing of my own, I kept getting text from him. When I did get the text I gave opportunities for him to come clean. He didn't and then as per usual our pattern, I find out online and it blew up. Cowardice is one of my biggest pet peeves. What's more, when one is completely oblivious to it. I remember him asking me in 2014 "where do you find these people?" when I was talking about the series of crazy relationships and thought to myself, "The same place I found you! They only started coming into my life in droves after I met you because they match your vibration of dysfunction." The truth is however, I was allowing those energies into my life. Taking personal responsibility for your life is a huge part of loving and healing. If you only ever blame others, what you are doing is belittling yourself. Tell the truth, of course. State and accept what you did and the other factors. I actually had made a new years resolution to lower my standard and allow people that were less than my ideal into my life. I felt I was too rigid in 2013; I changed that in 2015 and reinforced it in 2016. Now, I don't tolerate anything less.
It was rough being around this person. I had been doing so well before 2012 in my mind. Eventually, I realized the person was not connected to true love within himself and as a result could not show it. He was still healing from his previous relationship. His heart was still broken. To sooth himself he was constantly bringing in material things to fill the void and attempting to recreate the family he'd lost, but not truly going deep and healing internally. I feel that I was partly brought into his life to hold his feet to the fire and not just ignore it like others in his life were doing. I think that is because when I love, I expect the best of the person and will support him or her in being his or her best self. I can't support anything else. My reactions are often harsh because I truly do believe in the person, so when the person shows me the opposite, I'm genuinely shocked. Thankfully, the friends I have in my life today are some of the best friends anyone come ask for. They are always honest, insightful and compassionate. I love them dearly for it.When I am going through a rough time loving someone who hates or is unloving towards me. I endeavor to be just as good of a friend. I believe relationships are part lover but also being a good friend.
Many of you have messaged me about the confusion that comes with how and why someone can treat you a certain way or leave you. Many of you are going through divorce and break ups. For most of us, our first instinct is to make sense of it. You can't really make sense of the senseless. Understanding insanity can mean you are now insane. Emotions aren't rational. The 2nd instinct might be to go into blame mode. We might even accuse the Universe of hating us. The Universe never takes offense btw. We can express our upset. Thinking, blaming and distracting are all part of the process, but they did not bring me peace fully.
I remember as a kid hearing adults say in movies, songs and conversation that you can't help who you fall in love with. I always thought that was ridiculous. LOL. I figured I could turn it on and off and that someone would be WORTHY of my love. However, as I grew up I realized that wasn't so. Love happens and the person doesn't necessarily earn or deserve it. As I said earlier, I have only fallen in love with three people in my life. This happened at 20, 25 and 27. I've care for the other people I've dated and been in relationships with. After 2012 there has been no one new that I've developed deep feelings for. Those intense feelings of love were absent on my part when I was in those relationships. I figure it was just because I was building the relationship but the feeling never came, and so, I eventually let the relationship go.
Anyway, the person I fell in love with at 20, is still in my life as a friend but we have both moved on. 2nd was with someone who I heard really clearly from Spirit wasn't going to be a long term thing but rather seasonal bliss (I tried to make it longer, though.). The person at 27 is still being healed today. Over the years. I really did and do have love for all of them. I've been in love with myself for 30 years. The next lesson became how to continue to be in a state of love with myself and love the other person while dealing with hatred or unloving actions all directed at me. I have done the best I can with what I have. Moment by moment, I chose love rather than hate, forgiveness rather than justification, peace rather than drama, compassion rather than punishment.
People ask me how to deal with things and I say to let what you are feeling be expressed and honor your process to healing. Of course, you would find a responsible way of expressing them. Chose people who allow you your process and also motivate you to push yourself outside your comfort zone in a loving way. You can journal, vlog or blog, exercise, go on a retreat, talk with a friend, do a meditation, yell, cry, stomp around, sing, etc. It is about how long and how much for how the problems can start.
I usually blog. My blogs are normally set to private but I decided to switch that up in 2013. This past weekend I reread that blog. I still feel it wasn't as mean as I could of been. There was a lot more I could have put in it, but part of me was still protecting the person. There were two things that I regretted putting in there and actually had no recollection of putting them in the blog and making it public. I am sorry I put those things up, even though they were true. This is why I save everything. I can then see the facts rather than my faulty memory. The person I wrote the blog about is still hurting from it and I hope he heals. I have kept everyone nameless in this blog post. My bluntness and harshness isn't always well received. I love and accept that about myself, let's be clear. The only thing I didn't appreciate was being accused of threats. I simply tell people what I was doing. The truth is he offered things to me as a gift, but not claims I made him. Regardless of accusation, we both no the truth. He isn't ready to take responsibility for his role in things, which has nothing to do with me. I take fully accountability for my part and am healing and moving forward.
All those who have followed me since 2010 on youtube know I am very stern and serious most of the time. My bluntness can come across as harsh but I'm just being honest with no sugarcoating.
To some it up, please honor your process to healing. If you just get it out to get it all out, you generally are able to then pull yourself back together and move on. Someone empathizing with you is also very healing. In my experience, the issues become bigger when it festers like bitterness, resentment, vindictiveness, manipulation and wrath. Empathy keeps that from happening. When you motivate yourself in a compassionate way. It is loving towards yourself. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. Self-forgiveness is vital as well. Always remember, life doesn't have to be lived perfectly. You do the best with what you have.
When you love yourself and someone is in your life that hates you, how do you remain in a state of love with yourself? Discipline. Not a magic pill by any means. How many of you are very disciplined in forgiving? Not many, hey? It does take work. It might be hard at first, but it does become easier. Caroline Myss says you'll never want to forgive until you do. Now, have I completely forgiven this person as I write this? No. My ego still says to get justice. Luckily, or rather thankfully, I have had a handful of people in my life demonstrate to me unconditional love, so my choice is to love unconditionally this time around and forever more, instead of feeling justified . One of the people who have shown me what true unconditional love is my aunt in California. I learned from her to love BECAUSE OF, not in spite of. She is never demanding, pushy or overbearing; she is accepting.
I, however, am keeping my life clean and clear of drama. This still means I keep my boundaries. Don't get it twisted. =D I don't allow anyone to be in my life if they treat me in a way that i unloving, disrespectful or draining. I'm super stoked that it is 2016 and things are shifting. Truly shifting. Not just for me but for many of you. It is a global karmic shift. I still see September and October of 2016 being some type of catastrophe in the world. That said, we still are moving into a more peaceful state of being. I am ever hopeful, even optimistic and even realistic to what it takes for humanity to evolve
For 2016 there is a new feeling that I've met with most of the soulmates I was divinely scheduled to meet with and now it is more about my soul family. Less romantic connections and more so my children and my chosen family. This is why I feel a drawing back from polyamory this year. Even though things have not gone in my 20s how I would have liked them to go completely, I am grateful for where I am in life and in love with the possibilities the future holds. The world is forever my oyster.